The Pram In The Hall

Type of writing: Internal monologue about being outside the principal's office. So here I am. Aged four months outside the headteacher’s office. Mum never said anything about this. She said that she had to speak to the headteacher about her timetable, about her return to work. She said that her colleagues wanted to see me: to coo my cuteness, to aah my adorability. Well, been there, done that, been sick over my bib. So why are we still here? I saw another boy in this seat earlier. He was crying, screaming, “I don’t want to see the headteacher.” I don’t blame him. Even my mum had to knock on the door to be let in. They must be really scary. The boy cried, “I know what I should have done now; don’t make me go in there.” A little while after, another boy sat down, as pleased as milk. He looked so happy. Like he’d been rubbed and raspberried all his life. He rocked his legs back and forth as though he were on a swing. He told the lady behind the desk, “I’m going to get a sticker. I...

 Type of Writing: Written in the style of Julia Donaldson's The Gruffalo .   Kit took a stroll through the deep dark wood, The fox looked at Kit and Kit looked good. Kit cried, “It can’t be true. You can’t be real. Merely fiction like the works of Danielle Steel.’ Fox snarled, “I assure I haven’t been contrived. Come closer and I’ll eat you alive.’   On went the Kit through the deep dark wood, The owl looked at Kit and Kit looked good. Kit gulped, “No way. Surely no, it cannot be. I was sure you were made up by my mummy and daddy.’ Owl hooted, “I’m not made up. No ogre or troll. You’ll taste great in a child-filled roll.”   On went the Kit through the deep dark wood, The snake saw Kit and Kit looked good. Kit shivered, “Do my eyes deceive? It can’t be so. Surely you’re make-believe?’ Snake hissed, “Oh no. Not I. My favourite food is little boy pie.”   Kit was overwhelmed with all these foes, And then what do you know? ...

 Type of writing: A list of all the things I can't wait for Kit to laugh at.   1.      A loud fart in a quiet classroom. 2.      A man in a suit tripping but not falling. 3.      Cracker jokes at Christmas. 4.      Shops that have puns for names. 5.      Brent dance. 6.      ‘Dan. Dan. Dan. Dan. Dan. Dan. Dan. Dan. Dan. Dan. Dan. Dan. Dan. DAN!’ 7.      Del Boy and Rodney running through the mist as Batman and Robin. 8.      The 'Ski Lodge' episode of Frasier.   9.      A child interrupting a Zoom news interview. 10.   The referee falling over. 11.   Malcolm Tucker’s grandiloquent swearing. 12.   The repetition of Stewart Lee. 13.   The repetition of Stewart Lee. 14.   The repetition of Stewart Lee. 15.   Where the brakes go on someone ...

 Type of writing: Jeremy Clarkson vehicle review. This week it has fallen on me, Jeremy Clarkson, to carry out a coup and seize the online blog away from its author. “Why would I Jeremy Clarkson, an esteemed presenter and broadsheet reviewer, diminish myself to write a blog – graffiti with punctuation, I hear you ask?” Well, I’ll tell you. I have it on good authority that the creator of this www.isntmysoncutetosh.com knows nothing about vehicles. When it comes to model, specification and performance, he knows nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada. He doesn’t appreciate these beautiful babies are the result of a tryst between man and machine, engineer and robot, hand and computer, flesh and circuitry. Like a retro Milky Way advert, all he can do is identify them by colour. Red car. Blue car. A teacher by trade, a numbskull by profession. So when I heard he was going to write a review about his child’s buggy, I leapt into action. No reader, even readers of blogs, should have to endure sentenc...