The Pram In The Hall

 Type of Writing: Crime report based on Kit's offences. At 4:30 pm on May 25 th 2020, I was dispatched to Dunstable regarding a crime spree. Harriet Theivam reported that her son Kit had committed a catalogue of offences. The events she describes is as follows: -          Ryan Theivam, father of Kit, was scratched first thing in the morning at around 6.30 am. This incident led to a drop of blood being visible on his cheek. -           Later, at 12 30 pm she went to meet her mother, Allyson, grandmother to Kit. She described how he reached for Allyson’s silver necklace, pulling tightly on it. Inevitably, she said, the necklace was broken. Kit was seen jumping up and down on his mother, celebrating – her words – his plunder. -          At around 3.30 pm, Kit sat on her lap. He was in vest and nappy. She describes how she didn’t put trousers on him beca...

 Type of writing: Gymnastics commentary Todd: And now ladies and gentlemen to the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Kit James Raj Theivamanoharan will attempt the triple roll. It has been quite a journey the young man has been on, from struggling to roll at all to getting to this stage today. Steve: Yes, I remember when we were there for his first roll … Todd: That one sure was unorthodox. Typically, babies roll from their back to their front. But Kit got a little back-to-front and did it the other way. Steve: I know. It certainly goes against the grain. But then he found the back to belly really tricky. Took him a long time to master that. He just couldn’t extricate his arm, could he? Todd: No, his coaches would shout, “Remove the arm, Kit!” But the boy just wouldn’t budge. Steve: He’s always been single-minded, Todd. Todd: Sure has, Steve. I guess it’s that kind of iron-will that’s got him where he has today. Steve: What? To Dunstable. Todd: Ha! Ha! No, to t...

Type of Writing: Parody of Toy Story based on Kit moving into his room. “Goodnight sweetheart. Love you.” “Goodnight little one. Love you.” With an ache in their heart, Kit’s parents closed the door. For six months, Kit had slept by their side. In those opening few weeks when life is strange and frightening, his parents could reach through the dark to comfort and console him. At six weeks his mother looked over in the morning and to her surprise received a smile. A smile that led to her smiling. A smile that led to a “Quick, Ryan, he’s smiling.” Which in turn led to his father smiling. The smiling father filmed the moment, shared it online, leading others to smile. A chain reaction. A butterfly effect. A flap of mouth muscles precipitating a tornado of happiness. Each morning they would look over and see their son sucking his thumb, immune to coronavirus fear, impervious to political tribalism, unaware of a man named Donald Trump; and they would smile, smile at the sheer innocenc...

   Type of writing: Kit turns 6 months in a few days, so this is his mid-year appraisal. The Theivamanoharan Academy Mid-Year Report   Student name: Kit James Raj Theivamanoharan Teachers: Mum and Dad                                 Date: 8 th November 2020   English Kit has grown in conversation when it comes to verbal and non-verbal communication. Initially, his expression oscillated between deadpan (Bill Murray) and wailing tantrums (Donald Trump). Over time he has become more interactive, smiling at funny noises and responding to changes in tone. He also has a hunger for reading, putting books in his mouth and sucking relentlessly on them. Maths Kit is considering digits more and more of late. He is recognising the shape of these fingers and toes - and the space his mouth has to contain ...

Type of Writing: A travelogue in the voice of Norfolk's finest Alan Partridge.  Hi, It’s me Alan Partridge: monsieur, flaneur, raconteur, presenter and rambler. Before continuing, I should add that I mean rambler in a walking sense – never conversational. When it comes to chat I never stray from the compass, go off the beaten track, take the scenic route. No, I’m a consummate professional in discourse. I put my conversation in the cross hairs and pull the trigger, ensuring a direct hit from my mouth to the person's head. I’m writing the blog this week because I’ve told the usual author that I would be much better qualified to write it.  He agreed on the condition I posted some pictures of his child. Reluctantly, I complied, knowing full well many of you would prefer to see the stunning rolling hills of my home county. You see, the author’s family went to Norfolk this week on holiday. And who is an expert on Norfolk life? No, not residents Janet Street Porter; nor, BT Sport...