The Pram In The Hall

    Jude Bellingham Jude Theivamanoharan Potential 91 100 Value £81.5 million Priceless Wage £49,000 a week 35 milk feeds a week Weak foot Left foot Right foot (was born with his left foot turned in.) Heading accuracy 67 95 (he isn’t quite in control of his head and can headbutt when unsupported) Dribbling 85 97 (produces a heavy stream of saliva) Stamina 89 82 (rating has dropped. He used to go much of the night without sleeping, but now enjoys his rest) Balance 79 0 (can only stay on his feet when supported by an adult) Reactions 84 95 (will mirror someone’s smile almost instantly) Vision 84 25 (can only see black, white and bold colours) ...

  1.      I will not scoff at the book selection of others. If people are reading something at length- whatever it is- then that is a good thing. 2.      I will not think reading makes me a good person. It makes me a more interested person, but it doesn’t make me a more interesting one. 3.      I will be quiet in the library. The library is a port in the storm, a shop canopy in the rain, a sanctuary from the hubbub. I must respect that. 4.      I will return my books on time. I won’t forget about them, renew them constantly online, therefore denying someone the chance to read a book I will never read. 5.      I will understand that the library is the centre of civilization: it is shelter for those without homes, an IT room for those without computers, a resource for those without books, a quiet place for those who live in noise. 6.      I will take care of...

  1.        GET IN THE BACK OF THE VAN! 2.        Old comedy as well as new. 3.        Himself. 4.        Hugh Grant in Paddington 2. 5.        Kurtan and Kerry in This Country . 6.        An older relative making a complete hash of things in a family game of charades. 7.        Groundhog Day 8.        Billy Wilder movies 1955-1960 9.        Barry’s speech on wanting to radicalize the moderates in Four Lions . 10.    The coda of Life of Brian (Always Look on The Bright Side of Life) 11.    The poetry of Brian Bilson. 12.    “Stress Relief” episode of the American Office. 13.    Tim’s look to camera in The Office . 14.    The sarcasm of early...

  There once was a young man named Jude Whose bottom spewed and spewed, His nappies were sated His digestive system feted, God knows what he’ll be like with food!   There once was a young man named Jude Whose injection he disapproved He cried and squealed “I’m anti-vax!” he appealed But was fine when his mummy soothed.   There once was a young man named Jude Who went to baby yoga quite enthused, Shared talk of pelvic floor, Established mummies rapport, And left him feeling rather bemused.

Sunday "Just lie back and think of England. On second thoughts don't do that: the pound has dropped, petrol prices have increased and there's talk of Boris mounting a comeback. Best to think of something else." Monday There's a starman cooing on the floor. He likes to come and greet us, and he really blows our minds.                                                                            Tuesday "If I'm this happy to be at a brewery now, how happy will I be when I get to drinking age?"                                                                       Wednesday "They said seeing a koala this close was a once-in-a-lifetime ...