The Pram In The Hall

   Type of Writing : An end-of-year report. Science Jude’s experiment with speed and sound have resulted in him creating a sonic boom – out of his anus. Earlier world record attempts fell slightly short, but since the introduction of solids his bowels have decimated the sound barrier and led to cataclysmic rumbles. His bottom has now been defined a weapon of mass destruction, with Tony Blair urging intervention.   Drama Jude is very much from the more is more school of acting. He is all about overstatement. Whilst modern actors struggle playing to the back of the room, Jude - like theatrical luminaries Richard Burton and Laurence Olivier- has no issue with this. His vocal projection is akin to Will Ferrell in Elf: a volubility that is loud and hysterically funny. Music This week, Jude took to the pots and pans, creating a percussive blast that would have The Who’s Keith Moon howling at -well- the moon. He also slotted seamlessly into recorder playing. His mum...

  00.00-02.00 (Dad’s diary) I sit in the computer chair, keeping watch over the brave little soldier. I listen to Richard E Grant’s memoir, A Pocketful of Happiness . My eyes doze in intervals forcing me to rewind what I’ve missed and start again. Over the two hours I manage half an hour of the book. 02.00-03.30 (Mum’s diary) I browse on the internet looking to see what birthday presents we can buy Jude. I’m sure Ryan would have been doing the same; he’s very thoughtful like that – I can compare notes with him in the morning. I put Jude to bed, knowing that Ryan will be up in half an hour to check on him. Jude hasn’t been sick for eight hours now, so I’m hoping he’s in the clear. 05.15 (Dad’s diary) I jump out of bed and make a mad dash downstairs.   I was meant to be awake at 0400 hours. If his room smells of the Trainspotting toilet, then I’m in trouble. He is sleeping soundly. I won’t get into any bother. I sneak back into bed, hoping that Harriet hasn’t heard me....

  Good afternoon, - Parents declare Jude free from chicken pox. - Jude’s crawling breaks land speed record. - Brothers’ tears flood National Trust site. It is now safe for visitors to see Jude, that is according to Professor Chris Whitty. Last week the Government’s scientific advisor recommended the family cease contact with the outside world to stop the spread of the disease. With the child’s temperature returning to normal and spots stabilising, the family are now in a position to welcome back guests into their home. (Cut to Health Correspondent, Sam Oxbridge's VT detailing Jude’s recovery alongside supplementary graph explaining how the R rating is now at 0.) For twenty-five years the land speed record stood, but that is no more. Today, Jude Ellis smashed through the sound barrier, recording a speed of 768 mph. The feat is made all the more remarkable by the fact that he only began crawling a few weeks ago. Jude’s trajectory from belly sliding to commando scrabbling ...

  Professor Chris Whitty: What is evident is that there are rising case numbers of chickenpox in the Theivamanoharan household. First slide please. If you look at this slide, you will see the R rating has moved from 0 to 1. We know now the infection originated with the eldest child, Kit. We were waiting with bated breath to see what the infection did next. We, of course, hoped it wouldn’t move on to the youngest child, Jude, but unfortunately the science made us aware this was unlikely; the likely outcome being it would. So here are with the second child infected. It’s important we act now to disrupt the rating and avoid a pandemic. Professor Jonathan Van-Tam: A way of looking at this is to use a train analogy. There are two leaves on the track. There is a little greasy mulch covering the rails. This mulch is to rails what ice is to roads. These leaves can be cleared quite quickly and the train can continue its journey. However, if we aren’t careful, we’re shaking the tree; m...

  Done the Monopoly pub crawl? Yep, “Drunk in charge,” got charged £20. Completed the Circle Line crawl? In a roundabout way, yes. Finished The Wetherspoon Crawl? Got so blotto I thought Tim Martin was right about Brexit. Well, why not try the Jude Crawl? Beginning and End point The Jude crawl sets off from his toy box in the corner and ends in the hallway by the front door. Stops The Toy Box is where you’ll begin and have your first suck on thumb. From there you’ll make your way to The Playmats where you can down some thumb. Next, make your way to The Television Cabinet : here, you can watch Bluey episodes whilst you drink more thumb. Make your way from here to The Bookcase : why not have landlord Ryan read you a touch-and-feel book as you imbibe thumb. After your literary fix turn to The Kitchen. (A night on the tiles should involve actual tiles, am I right?) Your next stop is The Utility Room, the smallest establishment on the crawl. Only two people can drink thumb...