The Pram In The Hall

 Type of writing: Football chants for Kit, inspired by Watford getting promoted back to the Premier League. Oh Kit James Raj is wonderful, Oh Kit James Raj is wonderful, Even though he’s born in Luton, Kit James Raj is wonderful. (To The Saints Go Marching In )   Kit James, wherever you may be, you jump on the white setee. (To Lord of the Dance )   Here’s to you Kit James Raj. Mum and dad love you more than you will know, woaaaahhhh. Here’s to you Kit James Raj. Mum and dad love you more than you will know, woaaaahhhh. (To Simon and Garfunkel’s Mrs Robinson .)   Come on feel the noise, Kit throw your toys, The boy’s wild, wild, wild. Wild, wild, wild. (To Slade’s Cum On Feel The Noize )   When the day is dawning. And my parents snoring. How long should I lie here? Drinking my thumb like beer. Every waking minute. Where I lie my head. Ain’t half as fun as my parents’ bed. Is this the way to mum and dad? Every night I hug at my pillow. Drea...

  Type of Writing : Pub Menu inspired by Kit's pub experience   Origin Story The Thumb and Lanyard was established in April 2021 after the proprietor Kit James Raj, aged 11 months, visited a tavern for the first time. Despite enjoying the pub experience, he felt it could have catered for his demographic better. With the thumb between his teeth, he drew up a business plan and secured an enterprise grant – the result: the walls you sit betwixt, the roof you sit under – The Thumb and Lanyard . Our name comes from Kit’s primary loves and explains why the pub doubles as a lanyard museum, exhibiting Europe’s largest collection of Work ID Badges. Why not bring your old ones in to help us take the world crown? Here, all are welcome, but under 1s are prioritised. So thank you for coming. Pull up a high chair, take your dummy out and sup, sup, sup. We are formula. We are mother. ‘Breast is best?’ Not anymore. There’s a new drinking establishment in town: The Thumb and Lanyard . En...

Type of Writing: Closing defence argument in response to Kit ripping a library book and me imagining how I would respond to his fine. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I appreciate how attentively you have listened to the case these past few days; it is truly gruelling to maintain exemplary levels of concentration over such a sustained period; my client and myself would like to therefore put on record our gratitude towards you. The theories the county have made against my client can at best be described as far-fetched, an insult to your intelligence. They have made unsubstantiated claims about my client’s behaviour, describing how he ‘attacked’ the book and ‘vandalised’ it. The county even likened my client’s behaviour to common assault. Even Donald Trump would balk at the sensationalist rhetoric the prosecution has used. Throughout this case, the prosecution has tried to paint Kit James Raj as an out-of-control vandal. A Tasmanian devil that rips through library books with impunit...

Type of Writing:  Recipe sheet. ‘Never work with gluten-free flour or babies,’ the old saying goes. Well, this week I baked a cake for the first time in fifteen years with my son, Kit James Raj. The project was overseen by Star Baker and local coeliac Harriet Emily Grace, who displayed Zen-like calm throughout - like the Dalai Lama on weed.  Fair play to her. The reason I decided to unpeg my apron was because it was mum’s birthday and the old girl deserved to be spoilt this year. Spoilt with a substandard cake. To be fair, the cake looked pretty passable, other than the decorative dusting of icing which resembled the septum of Pablo Escobar.  With restrictions eased, we celebrated together in mum’s garden. So here is our recipe for a good family day. Enjoy! Ryan and Kit’s Good Day recipe.   1.      Preheat the temperature to 22C. 2.      Grease child in Factor 50 sun cream. 3.      For the celebration, place...