The Pram In The Hall

 Type of Writing: Written like a response to a GCSE English Language question 5: 'Write a story about a snowy day as suggested by this picture.' The snow got lost in the post and has arrived today, a month late. I’m dreaming of a White Christmas sang Bing; well, it’s been a rough year, January will do. As it falls from the sky, the past unspools before him. He recalls his infancy of running and falling and laughing as the snow caught his fall. The teenage years and the local radio announcement: ‘St Michael’s Catholic High School has just announced it too will also be closed today.’ And adulthood where the headteacher’s e-mail declares the site is unfit for work, provoking a minor earthquake as teachers collapse celebratorily, simultaneously, back to bed. For him the snow was magic. Only tied up with happy memories of days off and days out. Hot chocolate indoors and snowballs outdoors. Other than hand holding and turning on the tele, is there a better use of hands? So the snow...

 Type of Writing: Piece written by Donald Trump as he looks for new media outlets to communicate his message. Firstly, I’d like to thank Ryan Theivamazoharahaha for the opportunity to use this blog platform. As you know the fake news media won’t let me Donald Trump communicate no more. They’re scared of my truth. They don’t like someone who tells the TRUTH. They would rather live a LIE. Sad. Real sad. I look at this picture of Kit and I see an honorary American patriot. Sure, he’s not an American. His dad’s surname is from the Third World. Sri Lanka. Beautiful people by the way. Nice beaches there. Clever people. I was happy to let some into America. They had the documents, of course. They wanted to be American. Donald Trump is fine with immigrants - if you accept America is the best and the country you come from is not so good. I’m a kind man. A very kind man. So, I look at this picture of Kit in a plastic tunnel with his back turned on Sleepy Joe and I think, “Now, there’s a gr...

 Type of Writing: Dictaphone recording from an explorer This is Kit James Raj Theivamanoharan, previously of no occupation; today, a famed explorer. Until now this world was unchartered territory; today, I’ve discovered a new frontier. As I crawl along on my belly and wade through the film of dust, I encounter an electrical labyrinth of leads and wires, which must power this planet. I pull at them, but they do not budge. I will return to these when I have more strength.   I do an about-turn and make my way out of the wooden terrain and experience a different texture. A door opens and an arctic tundra blasts back. Its sub-zero temperatures appear inhospitable to humans - even my warm penguin suit is no match for its cold freeze. What’s this up ahead though? Something wildly different. A hot, hot heat that could turn a boy to crisp. The sunlight basks from its screen; I fear being baked and burnt. From the cold hand of winter to the suffocation of summer, this is no place for ...

  Type of Writing : A piece based on wrestling with Kit to change his nappy, written in the form of Steve Irwin's 'Crocodile Hunter.' Voiceover: Gurgling on its belly, Steve heads in striking distance of this precious creature. The baby, although tiny in the human kingdom, is a fair size when you consider other mammals. The Etruscan shrew has a body length of just 1.57 inches and the bumblebee bat weighs less than a penny. All of this means Steve shouldn’t underestimate this baby. He may feel big in comparison, but this baby is pushing twenty pounds and growing rapidly. Its teeth are also coming through which makes it an accomplished predator. Steve: I need to tread carefully now. With my crocs I usually use a food source and a lasso; I can’t use either with this one. His mum has said he’s just eaten so that rules out the food source and child conservation means a lasso is out of the question. That’s why I’ve got this chew toy here. I’m going to dangle it in front of ...

Type of Writing: Local radio show based on Kit having a meltdown on Dunstable Downs. Life is a rollercoaster, Just gotta ride it,   I need you, ooh,   So stop hiding, Our love’s a mystery,   Girl, let’s get inside it.   Sorry to interrupt Ronan there, but we’re hearing rumours of something quite worrying. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but there are reports that a lion might be on the loose. Yes, you heard correctly, a lion on the loose. Er… there’s talk across social media that a lion has been heard across the town. Dunstable Chat, the local community page, reported a surge in posts on the topic. One such person who wrote in, Albert Weathercock, is on the line now. “Hi Albert.” “Hi Graham.” “What can you tell us about what you heard?” “Well, it must have been about 8.45. Just over an hour ago when I heard it. I was just doing the washing up. Normally, I do the washing up in the evening, after dinner, you know how it is. I remember my mother o...