The Pram In The Hall

Type of writing: Parody of the in-flight announcements you get during a flight, inspired by flying Kit around the living room. Gentleman, welcome aboard Flight 1, our maiden service from Dad’s Arms to Mum’s Kiss. My name is Dad and I will be your Captain today. With all other Ryanair flights cancelled for Covid, I’m pleased to announce we’re first in line for take-off. Due to unforeseen recent expenditure (new oven and garden hose), we have decided to streamline our cabin crew, meaning we only have Mum with us today. Given the flight time is approximately seven seconds, we hope this doesn’t inconvenience you too much. We ask that you fasten your body against your dad and secure your bowel movements in the overhead compartment. I will now hand you over to Mum who will take you through the safety guidance. “Gentleman, the Captain has turned on the  Fasten Your Body Against Your Dad  sign. If you haven’t already done so, please stow your  toys  underneath ...

Type of writing:  Parody of swimming pool poster you see at the side of most swimming pools. Kit's Pool Rules: (Kit had an online swimming lesson in the bath this week.) No adults , other than mum and dad, are permitted. This is a child protection issue. No ducking . This is child abuse. No putting me up the tap end . It is a simple courtesy to prioritise a baby’s comfort. No heavy petting . (Yes, I’m looking at you mum and dad.) No bombing . A bath should be a sanctuary, not a target for military attack. No urinating , unless it is me. (You know better; I don’t.) No defecating , unless it is me. (See above.) No acrobatics . (A bath affords me the opportunity to switch off from a hectic day of tummy time and jungle gym. I wish to escape exercise, not encourage it.) No smoking . One day I wish to smoke actively, not passively. No diving . It’s a bath; you will only hurt yourself. No jewellery . You haven’t thought it fit to buy me...

Type of Writing: Medical leaflet. Time spent writing: Just over an hour.                                                                     Vaccination and Immunisation          What vaccinations your child is having        a)      6-1 vaccine       b)     RV vaccine       c)      MenB vaccine     What they will be immunised against            Diphtheria            Hepatitis B            Polio            Tetanus            Hib            Whooping cough   ...

Type of writing: Small print disclaimer, probably inspired by the Points System in Netflix's The Good Place . Time took: 1 hour and 15 minutes. The world welcomes you Kit James Raj, but accepts no personal responsibility for the following: People who use hands-free when their hands are free. Automated calls. Injury time substitutions. Drivers that pointlessly overtake. Rain when you’ve just put the washing out. Flag waving politics.  “Oh, how haven’t you seen that.” Internet experts. Diminishing weight of packets of crisps. Diminishing size of chocolate bars. Prawn cocktail. Strawberry Cream. Coconut eclair. Money as a measure of success. Style over substance. Talking at the theatre. Queues at Alton Towers. Facebook posts that read like press releases. Binary political discourse. Competitive parenting. Not checking the Sell By Date before you buy. 24-hour news. The Sun newspaper. Movie sequels (apart from The Godfather and Toy Story ). All Lives Matter. Short at...