The Pram In The Hall

Type of writing:  A piece about Kit screaming, a film parody of the 1994 film, Speed. Time taken: 1 hour and 30 ‘Pop quiz hot shots, there’s a bomb in my tonsils. Once the buggy goes 1 mile per hour the bomb is armed. If it drops below 1, it blows up. What do you do?’ ****************************************************************************** The boy liked to be in constant motion. In his jungle gym his legs would kick. In his rocking chair his arms would flail. At night he would wriggle and writhe until the sky turned blue. In that regard he was unlike his father whom preferred a sedentary lifestyle. Where the dad was passive, the son was active. Kit was a green light boy who saw stopping a personal affront. It was a beautiful summer’s day. Kit’s mother had heard that the café on The Downs was open for takeaway. This was music to her husband’s ears. It had been a long time since he’d had a proper coffee. Coffee for him was a relatively new phenomenon...

Type of writing:  A simile poem  based on Shakespeare’s Sonnet 130 where he dismisses similes as a way of communicating love with lines such ‘My mistress’ eyes are nothing like the sun’ and ‘coral is far more red than her lips red.’ Initially, you feel it is an insulting poem until the final killer lines, ‘’I think my love as rare as any she belied with false compare.’ In other words, some experiences and people are too unique to be compared with anything. Time taken: 1 hour His smile is as infectious as Spanish Flu, His smile is as large as obesity, His smile is as open as a break in, His smile is as immense as landfill, His smile is as vast as corporate wealth, His smile is as broad as a bully, His smile is as sweeping as a tornado, His smile is as widespread as corruption, His smile is as full as a skip, His smile is as outspread as manspreading, His smile is as far-reaching as a climber in crisis, His smile is like n othing at all. It...

Type of writing: Behind-the-scenes look at nursery rhymes. How long did it take to write?  Hour and a half. 1) Two trainee soldiers are in discussion. Michael:            I can’t take the monotony any more. I knew that being in the military would involve left, right, left, right, but I didn’t think it would involve up, down, up, down. I’ve got a mate training in Harrogate and he said he hasn’t had to do anything like this. They’ve done circuit training… On flat ground… They’ve done ironing. On flat boards. They’ve fired rifles… On flat stomachs. Gradients haven’t come into it. Yet, this mad bastard has got us going up and down constantly. I enlisted to be in the army, not part of a masochist’s wet dream. Even the SAS would go AWOL if tasked with this. What’s got into him? He never used to be like this. Alfie:     I know. It was that Emily Maitlis interview. That was the turning point. Ever since ...

Type of writing: Short story inspired by The Lio n, The Witch and The Wardrobe . How long did it take to write?  Hour and a half. Once there was a child called Kit. He was born during a Lockdown. This wasn’t what he had in mind. In utero, he had grown restless. Life was comfortable in the womb. He felt safe and protected. But like a Year 6 student, he had outgrown his surroundings. He was ready for big school. When Kit did arrive, he was disappointed. He couldn’t see as far as he hoped. He didn’t travel far either. His life felt small and confined – just as in the womb. What was the point in coming out when he couldn’t be out out?   Yet, his mum and dad seemed pleased with him. Like an exam they were desperate to pass, they studied him day and night. His mum made a note of his feeds. Drew a table of nappy changes. His dad even downloaded an App.   Despite parenting being a constant test, they had no regrets over choosing the subject. But Kit was bor...