The Pram In The Hall

  Was that the door? Not to mind. I’m in the warmth. No need for me to go outside. Winter won’t touch me here. The heating is on. My uncle’s wearing a warm jumper. And I’m nestled on my uncle’s shoulder. Snug as a bug in a rug. I like my uncle’s shoulder. It’s a good shoulder. One to lean on, not to cry on. I won’t be sad here.  This is the life. Thumb in. Eyes closed. A fine place to rest my head. No need to move for a bit. I stay here. Stay here until my mum gives me my dream feed. Then, I’ll be parceled in my babygrow, delivered to sleep.  I can’t get comfortable. I’ve lost my thumb. Each time I try and put it in my mouth, it comes loose. Feeling a bit hot under the collar now. Haven’t smelt my mum in a while. Where is she? It’s not winter in here. It’s summer. And the temperature is rising. The sun is in my babygrow. Burning up now. There’s no cost-cutting here. The heating is on high. If you can’t stand the heat, get off the shoulder. I’m squirming now. I’m w...

  The Code of Conduct was drawn up by my favourite film show ten years ago as an amusing riposte to anti-social cinema behaviour. Here's how Jude, Kit and their friend Mari did when they went to the picturehouse together. 1.      No eating of anything harder than a soft roll. Kit ate an apple. The loudest fruit. Whole. Including the pips. 2.      No slurping of drinks. As part of the ticket, the cinema provided a complimentary babycino with necessary drinking accoutrement. The dissonant chorus of toddlers sucking could be heard in space. 3.      No rustling of super high density, rustle-o-matic, extra rustle bags. Children independently ate crisps, which is akin to a Teddy Picker at the arcade where you only collect one after a hundred attempts. 4.      No mobile phone usage. Parents did their online shopping, applied for nurseries, checked Kylie Jenner’s Insta, re-wrote their wills. Essen...

  Hi, I’m Jude and I know what you’re thinking: ‘Aren’t I a bit old to be doing comedy.’ No, in all seriousness, it’s good to be out tonight. Nine months is a long time to be in the womb. It’s quite poky in there, not much light, difficult to move around. I can just imagine a London Estate Agent showing someone around: ‘Sorry about the door there- a bit tight. Just going to make our way through the bladder – apologies about the drips: we’ll get someone at maintenance to look at that. Let’s go up into the uterus now. As you can see it’s a very secure property. There are three main walls there: the outer, middle and inner. With cost-of-living you’ll want to keep those energy bills down and with this level of insulation you’ve got every chance. Yes I appreciate it’s cosy at the moment; it might be 7cm to start with, however there's room for extension. Well, why don’t you crawl around. See how it feels.” Coming out of the womb, it’s terrifying right? Like going from solitary confin...

  Mother 1: Ralph was crying throughout the night. I was just worried that he was uncomfortable or in pain. Mother 2: The same happened with my Becky.   ( Meanwhile)   Ralph: I cried through the night last night. I just wanted to see my mummy. Becky. And the Academy Award goes to… Ralph: Ha! Ha! Ha! Becky: Ha! Ha! Ha! ______________________________________________________ Mother 1: I’m thinking of moving William onto solids soon. He’s looking at the spoon the same way my husband looks at Margot Robbie. Mother 2: I’ve started Lily on solids. She’s just not getting on with it at all. I’m worried I might have jumped the gun. I probably should have waited until she was six months.   ( Meanwhile)   William: I don’t know when mum is going to start me on solids. I’ve stared at the spoon. I’ve reached for the spoon. I’ve cried out for the spoon. Lily: Don’t wish your milk away. It’s nothing but pureed vegetables. I thought I would have wh...

  1/ To aspire towards even higher decibal levels. Currently, my dad describes my babbling as akin to a nuclear warning alarm, but I feel my vocal chords have got more to give. With my lungs still developing, I know I can throw this voice further. I want to be so loud that an alien on Pluto turns to another one and says, "Did you hear that?" 2/ I started rolling a few months ago and then decided to stop. Most of the time my mum, dad and brother just bring things to me, so I don't see the point in moving too much. However, when mum is watching Strictly, dad is reading The Radio Times and Kit is spinning around; then I think it would be quite helpful if I could roll to get my toy. 3/ I've enjoyed the drum kit my Grandma and Grandpa got me for Christmas. To put it bluntly I'm a natural. I saw a guy called Keith Moon on the television the other day, who my daddy said was the most explosive drummer of his day. In all honesty, the buffoon doesn't know a sunhat from ...