The Pram In The Hall

  I Jude Ellis Theivamanoharan of Dunstable was a witness to an assault. What follows is from my point of view and the facts as far I know them.  I was just sitting on the sofa, nursing my thumb when my brother came into view. I thought to myself, 'That's strange. He hasn't got anything in his hand: he's normally carrying a toy that mummy or daddy has asked him to bring over.' Then, I thought to last week where he gave me a proper hug for the first time and thought, 'That must be it. He's going in for a hug.' But it wasn't a hug. He opened his palm and bopped me on the head. My mummy said to my brother, "that's not nice. You could hurt your brother. Your hands are for holding your books or playing with play-doh. Let's use our hands for a good thing." I felt like she dealt with the situation well but being my sibling and thus my rival I would look the book thrown at him and to see him rot behind bars

  Brothers in Arms ,  My dad’s favourite song.  I think of it when I see the pair of you.    Nine months ago,  Kit didn’t seem to get the memo – ‘Life must return to normal’ – He still practised social distancing When it came to you.   On his first visit to see you in hospital,  He looked tentatively over the cot  At you the alien concept: A spindly creature from the fallopian tube. You – that had come to Earth And threatened the whole Course of existence. A parasite that survived on attention- The only way to defeat it: ignore you.   Yet, Each month Kit has inched closed.  From afar to near to beside to next .  The preposition has changed with time.  Familiarity – it seems - doesn’t always breed contempt, Sometimes it breeds family.   So today, You sit together . Touch-tight,  Tight-knit,  Knitted by Fraternal bonds. The journey of in-jokes,...

  Amassing close to a 400 million views this week: a dance move that fans have dubbed ‘The Mooncrawl.’ But for those of you not registered with the social media platform, TikTok, you may be wondering what ‘The Mooncrawl’ is and what all the fuss is about. So here are some answers to those questions you may have.   What is ‘The Mooncrawl’? The mooncrawl is a movement in which the baby glides backwards but their body action suggests forward motion.   Who performed ‘The Mooncrawl’? A baby called Jude from Dunstable. At nine months he’s making his first foray into crawling; however, his attempts have literally backfired. In attempting to propel himself forward he has ended up going backwards.   Why has it been called ‘The Mooncrawl’? On TikTok titles and hashtags are king. It appears that Jude’s father, Ryan, a graduate in GCSE Business Studies is something of a marketing whizz. Aware of the ubiquity of Michael Jackson’s moonwalk, he has repurposed the na...

  'Baby of babies and Infant of infants, we give thee this crown. Jude is thy servant Lord, although servant is something of a misnomer as his cuteness means he can lord it over all. May this crown endow him with a settled stomach, a sensible body clock and a smooth passage through teething. It is these virtues that will provide his parents with rest in the months ahead. The seat that you sit on today is a seat of prestige, Jude, authorised by the almighty Jeff Bezos, who, as a keen collector of consumer data, is all knowing; and, with his ‘legal’ tax evasion, all-wealthy. May Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg allow the dissemination of false information to sustain your throne for ever and ever. I now invite those who wish to offer their support to King Jude to do so by joining in at the end and saying, “God save the Jude!” Jude, your shirt is fire, your smile lit, your lashes on point. All the mandem want to be you. You are the GOAT. Swear down. Jude, our King, may you reign i...

  Stay at home. A sneeze has struck the foundations of resident home, threatening homes in the vicinity. Family have been deluged by a river of snot – emergency services have responded but their condition is unknown. To protect yourself from this wave of mucus, prepare sandbags and place in front of property. Then, stay indoors. Do not attempt to move your cars. The snot has besieged the streets; your cars have been taken. Follow these orders and your homes could be saved. Keep your phone on to receive further alerts. Thank you for your co-operation.