The Pram In The Hall

  Clive Myrie:       In a first for Mastermind we have a child contestant. This contestant is so young that his father will act as his chaperone during the introduction. So let’s get acquainted. Can I ask our first contender to join us please. (Foreboding drums) Your son’s name? Ryan:    Jude Theivamanoharan. Clive Myrie:       His occupation? Ryan:    Professional crier and colic sufferer. Clive Myrie:       His specialist subject? Ryan:    The sounds babies make. Clive Myrie:        A specialism that will chime with parents in the audience and at home. You have two minutes, starting now. What sound do dentists ask patients to make? Jude:      AAAHHH Clive Myrie:       What is the name of the effects pedal that alters the tone and frequencies of the guitar signal to create a di...

  Loving Neptune, we thank you for this water, the very water Jude Ellis Theivamanoharan will be blessed in. We thank you for this beautiful day, A temperature that is just right. Not cold enough for jumpers, Nor warm enough for shorts. A day for elbows, not knees. A pleasant English day where sun cream Is kept on standby- like St John’s Ambulance- Unlikely to be called upon.   Jude, I baptise you In the name of The Father of The Bride (The first and best one), The Son of Rambo (an unrecognised British classic) And of the barroom spirits.   Now repeat after me, Our political father, Nye Bevan, Hallowed be your NHS, Your vision will not be undone By all the Tories on earth as too their constituents in Devon. Forgive us our bins If we have not separated our recycling properly. Lead Watford FC not into relegation But deliver us from midtable mediocrity. For the King Charles Spaniel, Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor And Gloria...

  Air Chief Marshal Sir Mike Wigston : Your Majesty. King Charles III: Michael, how are you? Air Chief Marshal Sir Mike Wingston: I’m fine, sir. But my deepest sympathies to you and your family. King Charles III : Thank you for your condolences. Air Chief Marshal Sir Mike Wingston : She was a fine Queen, sir. And you will be a fine King. It will be the deepest honour to serve you. King Charles III: As it will be for me to serve the people. Air Chief Marshal Sir Mike Wingston: We at the RAF mourn the Queen’s passing, but we also greet your Coronation, sir. King Charles III: Yes, my advisor briefed me this morning. Said you wished to discuss that matter with me. Air Chief Marshal Sir Mike Wingston:   It seems in poor taste to discuss the Imperial Robe when your mourning suit is still on, but this event, I'm sure you understand, is long in the planning. King Charles III: Please don’t apologise. I understand completely. Air Chief Marshall Sir Mike Wingston...

  The things that I want to see Jude smile at 1.      When he does something he didn’t think he could do. 2.      At parents evening. 3.      The Radio Times landing through his letterbox. (I would like both my boys to one day have a subscription like me.) 4.      A Labour election victory. 5.      Flying into space AKA ‘Going on a swing.’ 6.      When he sees his mum and dad pick him up from school. 7.      When the squiggles on the page crystalise into legible words and the epiphany of ‘I can read’ falls across his mouth. 8.      When he gets the keys to his first home. 9.      Finding an estranged pound in his coat pocket. 10.   Getting the role of Innkeeper#3 (Harriet says this is a key role in a school nativity as not only do you get the line of “There’s no room at the inn,” but you get the extr...

  I am Sergeant Mum, your tummy time drill instructor. And Jude I’m sorry to say, but there will be times you won’t like me. There will be times when you will despise the very marrow, the very fabric of my being. But I’m doing this for you. I’m doing this because I want you to lift your head up high. I want your head to be up with the stars, not down in the gutter.  There will be time, son, when you'll feel like giving in. When you don’t want to strain those muscles a moment longer. When you’ll want to lie on your back and dream of milk and cuddles.What I say to you, son, is to dig deep. Dig deeper than those JCB’s on your babygrow. Dig deeper than a child at the beach. Dig your way all the way to Australia and you know what you’ll find? You know what you’ll uncover? The secrets of the human body. A neck, a back, legs, hips, arms, eyes. All strong because in your moment of weakness, you said, 'I will be strong.'  You won’t be bent-backed like The Hunchback of bleeding...