The Pram In The Hall

  Story Jude Ellis Theivamanoharan hasn’t been sleeping well since he began weaning two months ago. Previously, he slept through the night and neither his mother nor father heard a peep from him. Now we hear more than a peep. It starts with a cluster of cries, then a fusillade of screams, before a wail of shells explode into our consciousness, throwing us out of sleep into cold, hard reality. This is why I’m asking you to donate sleep. Harriet, who must have a warped painting in the attic, has always looked young. If she was an actress, she could play a 6 th former in a Channel 4 sitcom. However, even she is feeling the effects of no sleep. ( There has been a rumour of a wrinkle; talk of a grey hair.)  Ultimately, she is looking 23 rather than 20. If the sleepless nights continue, my reputation as Dunstable’s answer to Leonardo DiCaprio (old man/young woman) could be under threat. This is why I’m asking you to donate sleep to us – well - primarily, Harriet. (Despite not...

I’m Jude Theivamanoharan – a food fanatic that’s trying to make it big in the world of weaning. I’ve got a taste for food and I’m determined to try everything, to take on whatever my mum and dad throw at me. People say I have a sense of humour, but when it comes to eating I’m all business. I may not be built for competitive eating. I’m no man mountain. But I’m ready for all culinary challenges. Welcome to Jude V Food. Breakfast on Saturday Mango and watermelon with banana side Oh mamma! A lot of babies would balk at the idea of three fruits in a breakfast, but not I. That watermelon is as refreshing as a cold shower on a hot day. And paired with that mango makes my taste buds go, go, go wild. On to the banana. mummy and daddy don’t think I’m up to the task. But I’m Hercules and food is my labour. I’ve slayed my bowl of fruit and now I’m going to pulverise this into next Tuesday. Next! Lunch on Saturday Spinach and sweet potato pasta Bring on the carbohydrates. I’m not run...

    Cheryl Baker: We’re here today to see if Jude Ellis Theivamanoharan can break a world record. His talent is noise. His lungs may be small, but his cry mighty. Over the last few weeks he has been bringing down the house with his high-pitched wail. In just a few moments, with our friends at Guinness World records, we will see if the practise has made perfect. The current record for the loudest sound in history was the 1883 volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, measuring in at 310 dB. Let’s talk to Jude’s mum about why she’s invited us here. Have you always thought Jude was loud? Harriet: Yes, it was quite a surprise actually. Kit, our first born, was such a quiet child. A whole day could go past without him making much of a noise. Jude though is quite different. He was babbling very early on and concluding sentences with a high-pitched squeal. Cheryl : Is there anything recently that has made you think he might be a record breaker? Harriet : This past week has been ridicu...

    Hush little baby don't you said a word, mummy's gonna buy you a mockingbird, And if that mockingbird don't sing, Papa’s gonna buy you a diamond ring And if that diamond ring turns to brass, Papa’s gonna buy you a looking glass, And if that looking glass get smudged Papa’s gonna buy you a copy of Dickens’ little known work Barnaby Rudge , And if that Barnaby Rudge gets worn, Papa’s gonna buy you a single copy of Natalie Imbruglia’s Torn, And if you're not a fan of 90s indie inflected pop, Papa’s gonna buy you the Spice Girls Stop , And if that song Stop makes you want to cry Stop!, Papa’s gonna buy you a spinning top, And if you think that toy is too retro in the digital age, Papa’s gonna buy you a robot whose raison d’etre is engage, And if that robot malfunctions and overpowers you for being a human overlord, Papa’s gonna buy you a samurai sword, And if people are critical of Papa for appropriating Japanese military history as a we...