The Pram In The Hall

  Dear NHS, I’m just writing to say thank you for looking after me yesterday. For many months now I’ve been staring at food open mouthed, so it’s a blessed relief mummy and daddy are finally putting something in it. And boy have I enjoyed it. Avocado, sweet potato, carrot, parsnip: my tastebuds have been around Sainsbury’s produce department and they like what they’re getting. A small problem yesterday though.  Egg.  I had some and it didn’t agree with me. Not like Bluey and Bingo don’t agree, but like Mr Curry and The Browns don’t agree. Soon my whole stomach came up in a rash. Then my back. Finally, my chin. These blotchy craters disrupted my shiny surface and made me feel a little funny. So my mummy took me to something called a farmacist. I don’t know why she took me there: I am not a cow or a hen or a horse. For some reason my mummy took this animal doctor’s advice and sent me to the GPs. At least, I would be seen by someone who is used to treating human bein...

  Little drummer boy Week 28 1. I suck my thumb at you, sir. 2. The weaning of life 3. I get knocked down, but I get up again. 4. The view from down here. 5. Sit up and take notice. 6. Things that go scream in the night 7. I measure 12 on the Beaufort Scale. 8. Rock Rock Rocking on Wooden Floor. 9. Milk Me Up and Watch Me Go-Go 10. I hope you have flood defences because these tears will test them.

All roads lead to Rome. All roads lead to weaning. Today is a big day, a big event. Anticipation is very much in the air. Young Jude has been watching his family for weeks, wondering when this day would come. Well, here it is. A banana, a plate, a dining table is the setting for this first foray into eating. The question today is what approach will his coaches take: will it be baby-led or adult-led? And what will Jude do with that coaching? Take the advice on board or go his separate way, demonstrating a maverick tendency? Oh, this is interesting. They’ve decided to ignore dogma and go right through the middle. A combination of baby and adult-led. The coach has the banana in hand. Jude is sizing it up. His eyes and mouth salivating at the prospect. But will the occasion get to him? Will the banana have to be put away and weaning returned to another day? No, there we have it. A beeline is made. The fruit is seized. He has some purchase now. His coaches have kept the skin on at the...

  Quality of Work Initially Jude’s output was hamstrung by his propensity for sleep. Over time though he has stopped falling asleep on the job and, as a consquence, his hand-eye co-ordination and field of vision has improved. Team Work Jude has had mixed success with this soft skill. An example of this is how he defecates himself seconds after  he's has been changed. It is this kind of gross impertinence that has his parents shaking their heads. He also has a tendency to go rigid when he’s getting ready for bed, meaning he’s more manipulated into his pyjamas than changed into them. On the other hand, he can be very low maintenance, appreciating his parents have their hands full with a two-year-old; consequently, Jude will sit calmly whilst the chaos of toddlerdom plays out around him.   Discipline Jude has shown a reasonable level of respect to his employers, although raspberries re...