Week 3: The Weigh-In


Type of writing:
Health Visitor appointment in the style of boxing weigh-in.

How long did it take to write? 
Hour and a half. (Mother and baby were asleep.)






The downstairs of a home. A living area once belonging to two adults has now been colonised by a baby. A Sleepyhead Deluxe is on the floor, a battery-powered rocking chair too; muslin cloths are strewn all over the shop – hitherto the word ‘muslin’ was unknown. A dining table is at the far end. It was once a budget IKEA one, an afterthought to fill space, a lie to hide TV dinners. Now, there’s a proper one. Pretentiously, a bench tucks underneath. The mother and father believe it will make dinnertime more fun for older children. A bench! They are fools. 


Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, we’re about to begin the weigh-in process of this our main event. In the green and white vest sporting an Aldi nappy, he is Kit James Raj Theivamanoharan.


Commentator 1:  Just a bit of history for you fight fans before this baby hits the scale. The kid was born on 11th May, just a few weeks ago. His birth weight was incorrectly announced to the media. There was a screw-up with the kilos to lb conversion.

Commentator 2:  A little embarrassing.

Commentator 1:  True, true. Especially given how one of the parents teaches Maths.

Commentator 2:  Sounds like she's the one that needs to go to school.

Commentator 1:  Ha, ha, Colin! Ha, ha!

Commentator 2:  So talk us through it, Mike.

Commentator 1:  Well, they told people he was seven pounds seven, when in fact he was seven eleven. Y’know, like the American convenience store.

Commentator 2:  A shame their brains weren’t open for business. Must have been ‘Out to Lunch.’

Commentator 1:  Ha, Ha, Col! You get me every time.

Commentator 2:  Give us a bit more info, Mike.

Commentator 1:  Well, Col, after that the little one dropped 3 ounces.

Commentator 2:  Dropping weight for a movie role was he?

Commentator 1:  Stop it, Col! I won’t get through this if you keep this up.

Commentator 2:  I’ll try and hold back, I promise. It’s just funny bones, funny mouth. But to be serious: it’s the fluid, right. Babies lose weight through fluid loss.

Commentator 1:  That’s right, Col. There’s not enough milk added in the first week to make up for the fluid deficit.

Commentator 2: Probably best not to use those type of words in your explanation to the parents. Maths is not their strong point.

Commentator 1: Another zinger, Col.

Commentator 2:  So this is a big moment, right?

Commentator 1:  Right. A lot rests on this. The mother has been working her goddam breasts off to get a positive result here this afternoon.

Commentator 2:  Because weight gain would mean he’s feeding well?

Commentator 1:  Yeah, it would be a big boost to the couple.

Commentator 2:  And with their limited numeracy skills, they need all the wins they can.

Commentator 1:  You’re too much, Col! Too much!

Commentator 2:  So let’s go to the weigh-in.


Kit is stripped down; first to the waist, then to the Garden of Eden. No fig leaf to protect his innocence. As nude as a birthday suit; as bare as necessities; as bollock as naked.


Commentator 1:  The Health Visitor now checks his weight.

Commentator 2:  The mum has put her hands together in prayer.

Commentator 1:  The weight is being recorded.

Commentator 2:  The mum looks to the heavens.

Commentator 1:  An announcement is imminent.

Commentator 2:  The mum is praying out loud.

Commentator 1:  Wow! It’s eight pounds fifteen ounces.

Commentator 2:  The mum is shouting, ‘Thank you, God!’ Thank you. Thank you, God!’

Commentator 1:  Yes, she seems pretty religious right now.

Commentator 2:  Yes, pretty religious for someone who hasn’t been to church since 2005.

Commentator 1:  Well, it’s ‘Hallelujah!’ here in the living room.

Commentator 2:  Praise the Lord! Testify! Testify!

  But what’s this?

Commentator 1:  The baby seems to be pissing…

Commentator 2:  Pissing over the Health Visitor.

Commentator 1:  The dining table too.

Commentator 2:  Shocking scenes here. We can only apologies viewers for what you’re currently witnessing. The table manners on show here. There’s no place for piss on a dining table.

Commentator 1:  Yes, a rather unseemly way to end the weigh-in. But still you have to concede it’s a big moment for the child and parents; him piling on a pound.

Commentator 2:  Gaining weight for a movie role is he?

Commentator 1:  I’m so lucky to work with you, Col. You’re too funny.

Commentator 2:  What can I say? Humour is my gift, Mike.

Commentator 1:  I’ll say. Well, it’s goodbye from Col and me. Say goodbye Col.

Commentator 2:  Goodbye, Col.

Commentator 1:  Ha! I love you man. Goodbye all.

Mike looks lovingly at Colin, whilst Col beams into the camera.

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