Week 11: This is your Captain speaking

Type of writing: Parody of the in-flight announcements you get during a flight, inspired by flying Kit around the living room.



Gentleman, welcome aboard Flight 1, our maiden service from Dad’s Arms to Mum’s Kiss. My name is Dad and I will be your Captain today. With all other Ryanair flights cancelled for Covid, I’m pleased to announce we’re first in line for take-off. Due to unforeseen recent expenditure (new oven and garden hose), we have decided to streamline our cabin crew, meaning we only have Mum with us today. Given the flight time is approximately seven seconds, we hope this doesn’t inconvenience you too much. We ask that you fasten your body against your dad and secure your bowel movements in the overhead compartment. I will now hand you over to Mum who will take you through the safety guidance.

“Gentleman, the Captain has turned on the Fasten Your Body Against Your Dad sign. If you haven’t already done so, please stow your toys underneath your armpit or on the floor in front of you. Please take your seat and fasten your body against your dad. Make sure your bum is back and your head is in a secure position.

Your emergency exits are situated to the right of you- a door leading to the hallway- and directly in front of you- a door leading to the garden.
In case of emergency, a life jacket is not provided since below you is a wooden floor, which makes drowning difficult. There is a slide in the back garden, so in the event of a crash landing our cabin crew will lead you there, not as an evacuation measure you understand, just to cheer you up. Who doesn’t like a slide after all?
Toilets are to the rear of the bottom, but we ask on the Captain’s behalf that you refrain from doing so during the flight; we don't want our plane being weighed down further by excess baggage.
We remind you that this is a non-smoking flight. Smoking is prohibited on the entire aircraft, including the elbows.
We hope you enjoy the in-flight entertainment, which involves your pilot going, ‘WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!’ and your mum going, ‘WOOOOOOOOSHHHHHH!’ 
Thank you."
This is your Captain speaking. Due to dad going faster than expected, our ETA is now six seconds. I’m happy to tell you that the temperature in the living room is 20 degrees. In a short while I will speak with you again, but in the meantime enjoy the flight.
***************************************************************************
 Gentleman, we’re now approaching Mum’s Kiss where the local time is 8.59. At this stage you should be in your seat with your body securely fastened. Bowel movements should be stored in the overhead compartment and toys on the ground in front of you.
***************************************************************************
Gentleman, we have now arrived at Mum’s Kiss, we hope that your journey wasn’t too wet and sloppy. We at Ryanair would like to thank you for travelling with us. If you have enjoyed your flight today, please tell other babies in the form of ‘ah-ah’ or ‘ooh-ooh.’ This will keep our Captain happy, who is currently undergoing a period of misery as his Watford side sink further into relegation. We thank you again for travelling with us today and look forward to seeing you again.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Week 0: Hey Jude

Image
 Day 1 We didn’t mind our last baby was two weeks late. My dad, Harriet’s father-in-law, had just passed and we needed time to process sadness before we could register joy. However, we really didn’t want this baby to be late. If our little boy was born early in the summer, it would give us the opportunity to be a family whilst the school holidays were still in full swing. Also, last time round was a complex situation; in any other context, you don’t want to be waiting weeks and weeks for a child to be born. Harriet’s baby shower had friends guess the name, due date and weight. Unsurprisingly, the latest someone put down was August 17 th , the due date. ( Note: If you are at a baby shower, always put down a date before the due date or- if you’re particularly close to the mum-to-be - the due date itself. Never put down a time that exceeds the expected time of arrival, the mum-to-be will kill you and the police won’t charge, accepting there were mitigating circumstances.) I wa...
Read more

Week 1: Official Opening

Image
  Firstly, I would like to thank you all for being here today on this happy occasion. Just over two years ago we founded our first business, Theivamanoharan & Son. Despite the teething problems, growing pains and sleepless nights that come with any start-up, we found the venture wholly enjoyable. Therefore, in December of last year, we decided to expand the business. To extend our company profile by adding additional stock to our property portfolio. It is our goal, our ambition, to have the name Theivamanoharan as recognisable as Adidas, Marks and Spencer and Disney . For this to happen, we must develop our brand, spread the word, so one day Theivamanoharan will become a household name – like Dettol. This new asset you see before you was nine months in the making. The initial idea was conceived in the upstairs bedroom of a Dunstable townhouse, from there it went to the genetic designers that laid out the blueprint, the DNA, for what you see before you today. We’re thrilled to...
Read more

Week 52: The Party

Image
  A corps of caterers comprising of Harriet, her mother and mother-in law made their way to the beach hut. On buffet tables, ambrosian cup cakes crowded against homemade sausage rolls to create a sweet-savory symphony for the tastebuds. In the hut a bar was set up and stocked with exorbitant pop, sparkling elderflower being just one refreshment. Jostling alongside were bottles of Sainsbury’s finest Taste The Difference Prosecco. By eleven o’clock the guests had arrived. Guests that have come from the four corners of the globe. Guests from Watford, guests from Hemel Hempstead, guests from Hitchin, guests from Swanage. All beautified in their best beachwear to drink, to be merry. A grey cloud threatens the sky, but the party will not be cowed. The sky is unquestionably dulled by nature’s pall but the scene below remains colourful. The conversation flows like The Thames, snaking from person to person, interconnecting each and every one. Laughter peals out of diaphragms, creating...
Read more