Week 10: Pool Rules

Type of writing: 
Parody of swimming pool poster you see at the side of most swimming pools.


Kit's Pool Rules: (Kit had an online swimming lesson in the bath this week.)

No adults, other than mum and dad, are permitted. This is a child protection issue.

No ducking. This is child abuse.

No putting me up the tap end. It is a simple courtesy to prioritise a baby’s comfort.

No heavy petting. (Yes, I’m looking at you mum and dad.)

No bombing. A bath should be a sanctuary, not a target for military attack.

No urinating, unless it is me. (You know better; I don’t.)

No defecating, unless it is me. (See above.)

No acrobatics. (A bath affords me the opportunity to switch off from a hectic day of tummy time and jungle gym. I wish to escape exercise, not encourage it.)

No smoking. One day I wish to smoke actively, not passively.

No diving. It’s a bath; you will only hurt yourself.

No jewellery. You haven’t thought it fit to buy me any, so I don’t see why you should flaunt yours.

No swimming. Just because Covid has closed your local baths don’t think you can come to my yard and paddle in my water. My pool is for smiling, splashing, gurgling. It is no place for elegant strokes and ostentatious turns.

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