Week 14: Lockdown Easing

Type of Writing: 

A piece about grandparents holding Kit written in the style of a bombastic Boris Johnson speech. (I had to watch quite a few YouTube videos of him to try and get his voice - Lord help me!)


The day has come. Yes, that’s right, the day has come to ease the lockdown on this child, this bambino, this wind instrument, this brass belcher.

His grandparents have had to wait. The days have felt interminable. Yes, interminable. The months have stretched like an octogenarian’s yawn. But the wait is now over. And like the good people of Guinness say, ‘Good Things Come To Those Who Wait.’

And what a good thing this is. This gleaming, smiling, beatific, terrific boy. Just look at him. Sweeter than sweet. Simply gorgeous. An M&S advert put to gurgles. So sweet you could put him in a ramekin and serve him for pud. Am I right? This little angel delight. Who wants to eat him up? (Cheers). I said, 'Who wants to eat him up?' (Cheers) We all do. Of course, we do.

Yes, he will be held by his grandparents today. Held aloft like the Jules Rimet trophy. Raised like the Ashes. Clutched like a gold medal. It’s time for them to revel in the preciousness, the exquisiteness, the splendiferousness of a new child. Yes, celebrate him today as though he were a last-minute winner, a last gasp boundary, a favourable photo-finish. This day is yours.

His parents too will be relieved. They will be like a yuppie on one of those new-fangled telephones: finally, they’ll be hands-free. (Laughter) No longer will they be Atlas, alone in holding up the sky; now, they will have others to hold the heavens with them.

This is a historic day. A day we wish would have come sooner. But a day that has come nonetheless.

For the rest of you, your chance will come. Until then, let’s wish the grannies and pop three cheers in holding their grandson today.

Hip-Hip Hooray! Hip-Hip Hooray! Hip-Hip Hooray!

And one for luck!

Hip-Hip Hooray!


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