Week 35: The Baby Hunter

 Type of Writing: A piece based on wrestling with Kit to change his nappy, written in the form of Steve Irwin's 'Crocodile Hunter.'




Voiceover:

Gurgling on its belly, Steve heads in striking distance of this precious creature. The baby, although tiny in the human kingdom, is a fair size when you consider other mammals. The Etruscan shrew has a body length of just 1.57 inches and the bumblebee bat weighs less than a penny. All of this means Steve shouldn’t underestimate this baby. He may feel big in comparison, but this baby is pushing twenty pounds and growing rapidly. Its teeth are also coming through which makes it an accomplished predator.

Steve:

I need to tread carefully now. With my crocs I usually use a food source and a lasso; I can’t use either with this one. His mum has said he’s just eaten so that rules out the food source and child conservation means a lasso is out of the question. That’s why I’ve got this chew toy here. I’m going to dangle it in front of the baby. Give it something to feast on. Whilst he’s doing that I’m going to be quick. Quick like lightning! God, I feel my heart pumping!  It’s knock, knock, knocking!

Voiceover:

Steve approaches carefully, carrying his years of experience with him. The baby mammal looks up, notices his presence and prepares to attack.

Steve:

Now, now, settle down mate. I’m a friend, not a foe. I’m just here to change your nappy. I come in peace. Isn’t he gorgeous? Oh mate, what a perfect creature! It’s such a pleasure to be up close to it. Gently does it. Gently, gently. (Kit kicks out). Oh, I felt that one! You can be as cautious as you like, but the wild is called the wild for a reasons: it’s wild! Ha, Ha! Just got to keep your head in this moment. When they get a bit snappy, you gotta respond by keeping it cool. I’ve got that flap over. Just got to put those sticky bits down. (Kit turns over and makes for the moisturiser pump.) Did you see that? See how quickly it moved. Crikey! It’s incredible isn’t it? In a blink. In a flash. Wow! I’ve got my work cut out with you, sweetheart. Got my work cut out. I’m just going to turn you over, darling. Turning you know. (Kit picks up the changing mat.) God! My heart just jumped out of chest! This thing is untameable. And so it should be. The wild shouldn’t be tamed. I’m not here to dominate. I just want to work with you buddy. So come on, sweetheart, let me help a buddy out. (Kit laughs). Yeah, you enjoy that tummy rub mate. No drama here. Just joy isn’t it buddy? 

I’m going to be two flashes. There we go. There we go. Aren’t you the cutest? All wrapped up now. That butt protected for a few hours. Wow! That was even harder work than I thought. The most fun I’ve had in my entire life though! What a thrill! Exercise won’t do that to your heartrate. Isn’t he just precious? To be respected with those two teeth though. Wouldn’t want to … (Kit bites his hand). Ouch! Got me. Nipped me. Look at that. Ah mate! I love you though. I know you mean no harm. What a beauty that boy is!

 


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