Week 43: The Razzies

Type of writing: Based on The Golden Raspberry Awards, a parody held every year, a day before The Oscars.



From Los Angeles, California, in association with Porta Potty Rentals, this is the annual Razzie Awards.

Host: Good evening, Hollywood. It’s wonderful to be here tonight. For you all to come out and celebrate failure is very unamerican of you. It’s a good job Donald still isn’t President otherwise he would have dug up McCarthy to interrogate you. (Laughs). Yes, the Razzies are not here to celebrate the great and the good, to massage the egos and give a happy ending to the success stories of America. Nor are we here to look at the turds at the bottom of the toilet bowl. A bad movie, book or costume is ten a penny. What we’re interested in is what happens when that turd is flushed and it flows into the sewage system: we’re here to hold our noses to the smelliest of smells, an assembly of shit, a poo counsel chaired by General Pong. We’re here to canonize and historicize the things that should be forgotten. And in a Razzie’s first, we aren’t going to talk movies tonight; we’re going to dedicate a special evening to the best raspberry blower in the world, Kit James Raj Theivamanoharan. So without further ado, I introduce a strange pairing to introduce the first award.

 

Strange pairing: This year has been a great year for food. Kit has had banana bread, salmon fritters and chicken curry, yet there have also been some truly terrible foods. Here are the nominees.

Worst Food

1.     Pureed broccoli (cut to clip of Kit eating this abomination).

2.     Cauliflower couscous, kale and lentils (cut to clip of Kit eating this abomination).

3.     Lentil, sweet potato and kale with tomatoes (cut to clip of Kit eating this delicious meal but creating such a mess that his father considers phoning a disaster relief organization).

And the winner is:

Broccoli. We’re not sorry broccoli couldn’t be with us tonight as it’s disgusting.

 

Host: And onto a next category. Worst picture book. And here to present the award is ‘Another strange pairing.’

Another strange pairing: Picture books are a staple of any child’s educative diet. Most are wholesome and nourishing, energizing both parent and child. Some, however, are so disagreeable they make your stomach turn and cause one to vomit in the plant pot. These are the nominees.



Worst Picture Book

1.     No Probllama

2.     Penguin Pumpkin

3.     Monsters Love Underpants

And the winner is:

Monsters Love Underpants. And here to collect the prize on the author’s behalf  Kit’s dad, Ryan.

Ryan: I read this book to my son because we quite enjoyed Aliens Love Underpants but this story was clearly a cash-in. Too many picture books fall into the Pirates of the Caribbean trap of endless sequels with diminishing returns. I hope this award reminds authors that formulas are fine if you’re a scientist or mathematician, but rarely interesting if you’re an artist.

Host: A damning appraisal there. Onto our next category: worst costume. And to introduce the award ‘Another strange pairing.’

Another strange pairing: Kit is normally dressed in wonderful costume. His mum has a good eye for a colour scheme, even choosing a husband that contrasts nicely with her skin tone. There have been some missteps along the way. Here are the nominees.



1.     Russian peasant

2.     Lion apron that looks rude.

3.     Camouflage baby grow.

And the winner is:

Lion apron that looks rude. And here to receive the prize is Kit’s mum, Harriet.

Harriet: When I was in Sainsbury’s I bought three aprons in a pack and didn’t notice the phallic imagery until it was too late. I now keep the apron at the bottom of the drawer and Kit only wears it when we’ve gone through everything else. I hope he forgives me.

Host: I’m sure he will. Moving swiftly on to our next award. Worst actor in a leading role. And to introduce the award ‘Another strange pairing.’

Another strange pairing: Normally, Kit’s father doesn’t have to act. He loves his little boy, pure and simple. There are however times when he has to hit his mark and put his face on; invariably, his performances are woeful. Here are just three of them. The nominees for Worst Actor:

1.     Ryan Theivamanoharan for smiling when Kit won’t lie still for his nappy change.

2.     Ryan Theivamanoharan for being enthusiastic during ‘Row, Row, Row your boat.’

3.     Ryan Theivamanoharan for affecting good cheer when Kit throws food over him.

And the winner is: Ryan Theivamanoharan for smiling when Kit won’t lie still for his nappy change.

And here to collect the award is Ryan Theivamanoharan.

Ryan: Thank you for this award. My acting is truly terrible; fortunately, my son is not yet at an age where he realises my performance is as wooden as a timber yard in Woodland Pines.

Host: Thank you, Ryan. And now to our penultimate award of the evening: Worst actress in a leading role. And here to introduce the award, ‘Another strange pairing.’

Another strange pairing: Kit’s mother is also capable of terrible acting. Here are three occasions where we wonder how in hell did she get a B in A Level Drama. And the nominees are:

1.     Harriet Theivamanoharan for smiling when Kit pulls her hair.

2.     Harriet Theivamanoharan for smiling when she has to drop him off at his grandparents for work.

3.     Harriet Theivamanoharan for smiling at Kit when he has woken up for a cuddle at 3am.

And the winner is Harriet Theivamanoharan for smiling when Kit pulls her hair.

Harriet: (Balding, scalp showing). Thank you for this award.

Host: And onto our final award. Worst picture. And here to introduce the award ‘Another strange pairing.’

Another strange pairing: Usually Kit takes a beautiful picture. He is photogenic and angelic. Every now and then though, instead of posing like a model, he has an outburst like Naomi Campbell. Here are the nominees:

 


1.     Kenneth Williams face.

2.     2-month-old face.

3.     Meltdown face.

And the winner is: 2-month-old face. And here to collect the award his uncle, Kieran Theivamanoharan.

Uncle: I’m really pleased Kit won this award. It’s a picture that has made me laugh more than Anchorman, Elf and Blades of Glory combined. It is the worst picture yet the most comedic one.

Host: And that concludes these special Razzie Awards. Thank you to Kit and his family for being such good sports – or should I say, bad sports. And thank you to you at home for reading. Stay rubbish. Be failures. Laugh at yourself. Good night.

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