Week 51: Kit Takes A Tumble

 Type of Writing: Pastiche of 'On The Way Home' by Jill Murray.




Kit had cut his mouth, so he set off home to tell his dad all about it.

Journeying through Kew Gardens, Kit met Veronica.

“Look at my cut mouth,” said Kit.

“How did you do it?” asked Veronica.

“Well,” said Kit, “you know the Great Pagoda by the Lion’s Gate exit? Yes, the one adorned with 80 dragons. The thing is they all came to life and in complete synchronicity, like a Greek chorus, bellowed hot flames right onto my top lip, and that’s how I got blood in my mouth.”

“Jesus and the Twelve Disciples!” said Veronica.

Then Kit met Jeremy.

“Look at my cut mouth,” said Kit.

“How did you do it?” asked Jeremy.

“Well,” said Kit, “you know the Japanese Gateway, just north-east of the Pagoda? I was there minding my own business, having a light bite, when I was set upon by a band of Samurai. Yes, the military warriors of the medieval and early-Japan period. They had a plethora of weapons: bows, arrows and spears. But what gave me this cut was a sword. Sliced and diced like an onion I was.”

“God almighty!” said Jeremy.

Then Kit met Jesminder.

“Look at my cut mouth,” said Kit.

“How did you do it?” asked Jesmnider.

“Well,” said Kit, “you know the Temple of Aeolus, just half a kilometre away from Kew Gardens Station? I was there blowing raspberries when this High Priest Ja Ja Jafah seized me and tied me to the stake. With the demon in his eyes, he took a torch and set about sacrificing me. I didn’t feel like being turned into ash so I wriggled free and made a mad crawl to my mummy. This cut above my lip: a splinter from the stake, a mark for my troubles.”

“Holy Mary, Mother of God!” said Jesamine.

Then Kit met Troy.

“Look at my cut mouth,” said Kit.

“How did you do it?” asked Troy.

“Well,” said Kit, “you know the River Thames, the one from Eastenders? I was there, about to go on a Woodland Walk, when I fell in. No problem, I thought, I’ve been in a swimming pool with my mummy. The thing is I haven’t been swimming with a humpback whale before. That’s right. A humpback whale was there, must have taken a wrong turn at Greenland. Whatever the case, it clearly wasn’t happy that its satellite navigation system had gone awry. Took it out on me. Bit me right on the lip. My screams were enough to scare it away though.”

“Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the Wee Donkey!” said Troy.

Kit arrived home and was met by his dad.

“Look at my cut mouth,” said Kit.

“How did you do it?” asked dad.

“Well,” Kit’s mum interrupted, “We were on the Woodland Walk and Kit was having such a nice time crawling on the bark, when suddenly, suddenly _____ he slipped!” Mum burst into tears.

“Never mind,” said dad. “Come inside and I’ll give you both a hug.”


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