Week 3: Wah Wah Insurance



 Automated woman:

Hello, welcome to Wah Wah Insurance. We're sorry but all of our operators are busy right now. To help us manage your call, please choose from the following options.

Please press 1 if your baby has kept you up for days.

Press 2 if your baby has screamed excessively in a supermarket.

Press 3 if your baby isn't as handsome as you hoped.

Press 4 if your baby is continuosly being addressed by the wrong gender.

Press 5 if your baby has urinated or defecated unreasonably over you.

(Harriet presses 5)

Please wait your call is important to us.

(Compilation of songs plays, including Baby Love by The Supremes, Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice and Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-A-Lot)


Operator: Hello, your through to Wah Wah Insurance, how can I help you?

Harriet: Hello, yes, I feel like my baby has urinated and defecated unreasonably over me.

Operator: Let's see what we can do for you. Do you mind just giving us more details?

Harriet: Yes, I was urinated on twice and pooed on twice in the same day.

Operator: Sorry to hear about that. Unfortunately though madam, it's normally only five assaults in a day we cover.

Harriet: Does it make a difference if I tell you how I was pooed on?

Operator: Unfortunately, no.

Harriet: But he pooed on me at the zoo. At The Viewpoint Kitchen and Deli in full view of other customers. I fed him. He was in shorts. And straight after he leaked out of his nappy all over my top.

Operator: Did you by any chance take out our Public Assault cover?

Harriet: No, it was an extra £100 and I didn't think we would need it.

Operator: I'm sorry Harriet that really would have helped you.

Harriet: What about the fact that he urinated on me straight after I've cleaned his bottom?

Operator: Were you using cotton wool to protect you?

Harriet: I just forgot on those occasions.

Operator: Both occasions?

Harriet: I was very tired.

Operator: Unfortunately the small print states that if you don't use cotton wool to block unwanted discharges, then you're not covered under our P&P (Poop and Pee) cover.

Harriet: What about the fact that he urinated on me when I took him out of the bath in the evening? I can't have cotton wool covering his manly bits then.

Operator: Did you take out our additional Baby Bathtime cover?

Harriet: No, it was an extra £200. Who can afford that in this day and age?

Operator: Sorry, I understand your predicament. Is there anything else I can do to help?

Harriet: With respect, you haven't really helped me. You've just told me different ways that I can't claim for the damage my baby has done to me.

Operator: Can I interest you in any of our other packages before you go: Up all Night, He's a He not a She, Unnaturally Ugly or Supermarket Scream?

Harriet: No, it's ok.

Operator: Well, thank you for calling Harriet. I do hope next week brings fewer assaults. But if not, you can always upgrade your cover and secure that peace of mind. 

Harriet: Thank you.

Operator: Thank you from Wah Wah Insurance, where mothers who protect baby are protected from baby.


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