Week 9: Watford Manager

 




Dear Gino Pozzo

We’re writing to you to ask that our son Jude Theivamanoharan be considered for the Watford job.

I appreciate you haven’t heard the name before, but then again you’ve never been a mistress to ubiquity. Two of your managers that earnt promotion, Slavisa Jokanovic and Xisco Munoz, were unknown amongst supporters, yet they delivered the glittering prize of Premiership football.

It has been a difficult year though for the club. Five managers in twelve months. When your staff turnover is like 10 Downing Street, you have to ask questions. And the question I put to you is: what about putting a baby in charge?

Ridicola, I hear you exclaim! It might not be so preposterous, let me explain. Rob Edwards, the last manager you appointed, was one of the youngest in the league, aged just thirty-nine. It was seen as a progressive appointment, blueprinting for a great tomorrow. We had been criticized for having a now culture at the cost of long-term planning, however, a young manager suggested we were going back to our roots, that defining day when Graham Taylor was made manager and our club was never the same again.

Appointed at the age of 33, Taylor achieved three promotions in five years. From the 4th division to the top tier in half a decade. Did you also know that he was the youngest person to ever gain his FA coaching qualification – just 28 years old? The problem with Rob Edwards wasn’t that he was too young; it was that he wasn’t young enough.

So I propose to you that we install Jude in charge. He is a boy with exacting standards. Last week he lay in my arms and watched his first Watford game. It was 4-0 away at Stoke City. For anyone else that might be something to crow over. Do you know what Jude did instead? After the third goal, he fell asleep. Such is his expectations, he was unimpressed. We may have been winning handsomely but we weren’t playing handsomely. The scoreline wasn’t flattering, but then neither were Stoke. They played like they had just met on a Stag Do. Jude felt we should have won by more goals with more style.

Don’t you want someone who is unhappy with a 4-0 win? With Jude there will be no risk of complacency. He will scream his lungs out even after a resounding victory. It’s a marginal games business: just a small percentage improvement in each player will lead to better results. Therefore, Jude will not be satisfied; he will fart in the hands of his players in defeat; he will fart in their hands in victory.

This is your opportunity to do something no one has done before. Appoint a baby. In 1995 Alan Hansen, esteemed pundit, said, ‘You can’t win anything with kids.’ That Manchester United team went on to win the trophy with the youngest squad. Surely, this shows you can win with youth.

Ultimately, let’s give Jude a chance. We’ve tried British; we’ve tried foreign; we’ve tried wise; we’ve tried raw; we’ve tried young; we’ve tried old. None of it has worked. What we haven’t tried is a baby. Jude is now going a few hours without milk; he is looking directly at us; he is looking to hold his head up high (something our players can’t do after their 3-1 defeat yesterday). He is ready for Championship management. He’s ready to change the fortunes of the club. All that is needed is for you to be ready to give the boy a chance. I assure you it’s a chance worth taking.

Yours Sincerely,

Ryan and Harriet (Jude’s parents)

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