Week 33: Go Fund Me

 


Story

Jude Ellis Theivamanoharan hasn’t been sleeping well since he began weaning two months ago. Previously, he slept through the night and neither his mother nor father heard a peep from him. Now we hear more than a peep. It starts with a cluster of cries, then a fusillade of screams, before a wail of shells explode into our consciousness, throwing us out of sleep into cold, hard reality. This is why I’m asking you to donate sleep.

Harriet, who must have a warped painting in the attic, has always looked young. If she was an actress, she could play a 6th former in a Channel 4 sitcom. However, even she is feeling the effects of no sleep. (There has been a rumour of a wrinkle; talk of a grey hair.) Ultimately, she is looking 23 rather than 20. If the sleepless nights continue, my reputation as Dunstable’s answer to Leonardo DiCaprio (old man/young woman) could be under threat.

This is why I’m asking you to donate sleep to us – well - primarily, Harriet. (Despite not touching drugs, I have been described as ‘looking like a stoner’ by a number of students. Whether I sleep or not, I look tired regardless. My face has passed its best – the expiry date on youth long lapsed - but Harriet can still be saved. This is where you come in.)

Support

Donate ten minutes of sleep.

Receive a thumbs-up picture from Harriet in your Whatsapp inbox.

Donate twenty minutes of sleep

Receive a lift in Ryan’s Suzuki S-Cross to a location of your choice - within a 10-mile radius of our home.

Donate thirty minutes of sleep

Receive a chili con carne meal at the Theivamanoharan residence. Note: alcohol is not provided, but the premises license does permit BYOB.

Donate forty minutes of sleep

Receive a passport signature for life from teaching couple, Ryan and Harriet.

Donate fifty minutes of sleep

Ryan will come round and tutor your child at a special 5% off rate.

Donate one hour of sleep

Ryan and Harriet will sign over their pensions and all future earnings to you.

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