The Pram In The Hall

  Mum: And ladies and gentlemen, we are near to launch here at Whipsnade Zoo, Bedfordshire. The swing chain is armed and ready to begin. Kit:      SWING CHAIN! Jude:    MUH-MAH! Mum: We are now ready for the swing seat to begin its ascent. Kit:      SWING SEAT! Jude:   BAH-BAH! Mum: The countdown has begun. 10-9-8-7 Kit:     6-1. BLAST OFF! Jude:   MUH-MAH! Mum: The swing seat engine is up and burning. Kit:     SWING SEAT! Jude:    BAH-BAH! Mum: 6…5…4…3 Kit:      BLAST OFF! Mum:   2-1 …and lift off! Kit:      BLAST OFF! Jude:    MUH-MAH! Mum: This is the start of the Space Shuttle Beautiful Boys journey to the moon. Kit:      BLAST-OFF! Jude:    BAH-BAH! Mum: You’re looking good up their boys. Kit:      BLAST-OFF! J...

  Meet Your New Inspiration If you’re seeking fitness inspiration, look no further than this baby: Jude Ellis Theivamanoharan. This week Jude attended his first Gymboree class, whose play-centred approach leads to enhanced physical development. After just one session, Jude went from not being able to pull himself up, to being able to pull himself into standing position. Some might call this natural coincidence, but in no way is it coincidence. So how did he do it? We asked his dad Ryan to provide the answers. Men’s Fitness : How did Jude make such rapid progress in an hour’s session? Dad : It comes down to 100% commitment. Success is 99% perspiration, 1% inspiration. Jude sweats for his victories. If you’re not perspiring, you’re not aspiring is what we keep telling him. By the end of his session the staff had to mop the floor: the moisture that emanated from him was a health and safety risk. He gives everything to be the best version of himself. Men’s Fitness : Did it ...

  Bumper to bumper, cars sniff one another’s arseholes. Bloody M25! Fleet’s had a face-lift, got a new Pizza Express. Kit that’s my choc au pain – get your mitts off. Building up a head of steam now, the M3 never lets you down. In a minute you’ll see the sea boys. Drink it in. Like a drill sergeant, the attendants put us in lines. The ferry is ready to depart. Right, we’ll drop our bags off, get some lunch, then head down to the beach. The seaside – like our sandwiches- has been wrapped in cellophane. It has been preserved, kept the same for decades. Children still dig holes to Australia, women sunbathe and men refuse to put on sun-screen. We’ll have a quick go on the swing, then head home to change before the pub. The Black Swan pub. Orwell’s ‘Moon Under The Water.’ The best inn in Britain. Nice to see you again, the first staff member says. Four lots of fish and chips please. What would you like? Peas or beans? Peas please. Plates emptied, bellies full, ...

  I Jude Ellis Theivamanoharan of Dunstable was a witness to an assault. What follows is from my point of view and the facts as far I know them.  I was just sitting on the sofa, nursing my thumb when my brother came into view. I thought to myself, 'That's strange. He hasn't got anything in his hand: he's normally carrying a toy that mummy or daddy has asked him to bring over.' Then, I thought to last week where he gave me a proper hug for the first time and thought, 'That must be it. He's going in for a hug.' But it wasn't a hug. He opened his palm and bopped me on the head. My mummy said to my brother, "that's not nice. You could hurt your brother. Your hands are for holding your books or playing with play-doh. Let's use our hands for a good thing." I felt like she dealt with the situation well but being my sibling and thus my rival I would look the book thrown at him and to see him rot behind bars

  Brothers in Arms ,  My dad’s favourite song.  I think of it when I see the pair of you.    Nine months ago,  Kit didn’t seem to get the memo – ‘Life must return to normal’ – He still practised social distancing When it came to you.   On his first visit to see you in hospital,  He looked tentatively over the cot  At you the alien concept: A spindly creature from the fallopian tube. You – that had come to Earth And threatened the whole Course of existence. A parasite that survived on attention- The only way to defeat it: ignore you.   Yet, Each month Kit has inched closed.  From afar to near to beside to next .  The preposition has changed with time.  Familiarity – it seems - doesn’t always breed contempt, Sometimes it breeds family.   So today, You sit together . Touch-tight,  Tight-knit,  Knitted by Fraternal bonds. The journey of in-jokes,...

  Amassing close to a 400 million views this week: a dance move that fans have dubbed ‘The Mooncrawl.’ But for those of you not registered with the social media platform, TikTok, you may be wondering what ‘The Mooncrawl’ is and what all the fuss is about. So here are some answers to those questions you may have.   What is ‘The Mooncrawl’? The mooncrawl is a movement in which the baby glides backwards but their body action suggests forward motion.   Who performed ‘The Mooncrawl’? A baby called Jude from Dunstable. At nine months he’s making his first foray into crawling; however, his attempts have literally backfired. In attempting to propel himself forward he has ended up going backwards.   Why has it been called ‘The Mooncrawl’? On TikTok titles and hashtags are king. It appears that Jude’s father, Ryan, a graduate in GCSE Business Studies is something of a marketing whizz. Aware of the ubiquity of Michael Jackson’s moonwalk, he has repurposed the na...

  'Baby of babies and Infant of infants, we give thee this crown. Jude is thy servant Lord, although servant is something of a misnomer as his cuteness means he can lord it over all. May this crown endow him with a settled stomach, a sensible body clock and a smooth passage through teething. It is these virtues that will provide his parents with rest in the months ahead. The seat that you sit on today is a seat of prestige, Jude, authorised by the almighty Jeff Bezos, who, as a keen collector of consumer data, is all knowing; and, with his ‘legal’ tax evasion, all-wealthy. May Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg allow the dissemination of false information to sustain your throne for ever and ever. I now invite those who wish to offer their support to King Jude to do so by joining in at the end and saying, “God save the Jude!” Jude, your shirt is fire, your smile lit, your lashes on point. All the mandem want to be you. You are the GOAT. Swear down. Jude, our King, may you reign i...